six years
Hello hello -
I’m writing an impromptu entry to share with you that today marks 6 years of sobriety for me. 6 is a random amount of time that shouldn’t inherently hold significance but for whatever reason I’ve found myself feeling emotional around this one. I’m proud of myself, of course, but I also am feeling the weight of how hard it can be to wake up everyday or show up every night & make the choice not to drink. I’m lucky in that a lot of the time for me that choice is as easy as drawing breath. I’m steadily sent signals from the universe that it’s the secret to my happiness, success, creativity, everything healthy and good in my life. That doesn’t make it intrinsically natural or easy though.
Sometimes being sober feels like you walk around as glaring evidence that drinking is bad and alcohol is poison. You’re the living proof. Everyone looks at you and thinks “Wow. Good for them. How admirable. They’re glowing. etc. etc. etc.” Other times, though, it really feels like you walk through life in a higher gear. There’s a natural resistance and all these outside things can add to it or make that resistance feel totally arduous. It’s a trade off I’m comfortable with but I’m reminded today, on my 6 year birthday, that my sobriety is not something I can set to autopilot. It’s not finite or some factoid about me like having green eyes. It’s something I have to engage with and stay curious about. It’s it own entity and I am merely it’s host.
I feel incredibly grateful to have made it here. I don’t always like sharing about myself but I always feel moved to share about my struggle with addiction & my choices around sobriety. I got to 6 years one day at a time & sometimes it was really one hour, one minute at a time. Some of us try so hard to make it look easy. My deepest or truest instinct is to make it look effortless. I guess today I just want to share that it really isn’t. I’m grateful, I’m happy, I’m proud of myself and it’s still really fucking hard sometimes.
To all of you reading this & relating, I’m sending you love. Whenever anyone comes up to me & wants to share about their struggle with addiction or their sobriety I really light up. I feel a kinship with all of you and hearing about your recovery helps my recovery too.
To 6 years of progress, never perfection.
XOXO
KC
